It occurs to me all of a sudden that almost all of my journal entries are pertaining to art, more or less keeping this an update center more so than a journal. Quite frankly, I imagine that if this was my personal journal that'd be rather pathetic. I mean, I do have stuff going on in my life. Just not that much. I've more or less gotten past most of my drama and even when my life gets remotely difficult I don't let any one in on it. Well, maybe 2 or 3 people, but I've never been able to be very public about what's bothering me at any given time.
I'm reminded of a couple of instances where I did post some shitty poetry reflecting some of my moods and a journal entry that, like the shitty poetry, was quickly deleted and the people who may or may not be looking at these pages were none the wiser (probably). I really don't think my life is really interesting, at least not so that it requires that much of a broadcast.
And yet this is happening. I'm elaborating upon my largely uptight nature and at the same time decrying doing so. Look at me go. Perhaps I'd have some closer friends regarding my online presence if I was a little more open to letting you people in with my problems, but that's just not what I'm good at. I feel that if I can't do it myself then it isn't worth doing.
And then that feels wrong, or at least isn't well reflecting in my own behavior, what with my crying out for a boy to end my loneliness and driving the people I love to frustration with my bitching about my own emotional state in what would be probably be considered passive-aggressive if not for the fact that there is no ill intent in my words, merely an active attempt to vocalize and recognize my own problems with things so that I can fix such situations.
There are quite a few apologies that I meant to give that I fucked up, and in turn, I'm sorry about that too.
Ronald, I'm sorry. I realize that there isn't actually much for me to apologize for, but I think I need to. Regardless of whether or not you'll actually receive this apology or not. I need to say that. You've been so powerfully understanding despite the fact that you had no reason to other than the fact that you're probably the most patient, gracious, and genuinely kind and loving person I think I've ever met. I need you as a friend more than I'll ever be able to properly articulate, and I know that sounds a little intense, but believe me when I say that it's getting better and perhaps soon I'll be able to see you again.
Kersity, I'm sorry you have to see my moments of collapse and I'm sorry to make you worry about me. You put up with a lot, and I know I snap at you a lot so I'm really fucking lucky you're a forgiving person because any lesser person would have forgotten any further social interaction with me in a heartbeat. I know you love me, and I love you too. You've been a crutch that I didn't even know I had or needed until now and I want to thank you for that in turn. I love you, and Ronald too, so much. You are both among my most treasured friends.
Kelly and Katie, I'm sorry for every moment that I miss an opportunity to talk to you, 'cause I'm through losing friends to distance. It's naive, I know, but I also know that it's something I can fight and goddamn it I will fucking fight to stay friends with you and all the people I love until the day I fucking die.
Except I don't. I'm a coward and scared that we've already grown too far apart sometimes. My own idiotic insecurities kick in and prove themselves to be violently unrelenting all of a sudden. And then one of you is back. One of you tells me nonchalantly that "of course you're one of my closest friends" or in a quickly penned message that I'm the "light of your life." When one of you sends me a message about literally whatever's on your mind or a birthday wish my heart stops to realize that you exist, not for me, but with me and I could fucking cry for the overwhelming emotion it makes me feel (or would probably make me feel if I stopped to think about it like...right...now).
To the people who are reading this (what the hell) that I haven't addressed, you're probably one of those people following me because for some reason you've found this shit I make worth your attention. It's a concept I can barely comprehend usually, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean a ton to me that you find what I draw worth following for updates whenever I get around to actually posting it. Thank you all so much. I need more words, but they seem to fail me now as I don't really think that expresses my gratitude adequately enough. I wish I could get to know you all, know not necessarily what it is you see in this neurotic teen's "artwork," but who you are.
Like I said before, I'm a coward, such that I could and so desperately want to know you people but I can't. Opening up just isn't what I'm good at, but then again, this happened so who am I to say?
Thank you all again, and if you read all this...this, then I suppose you can message me on tumblr or send me a note or some shit. If you wanna talk, go for it.
Listening to: Bump of Chicken. Permanently
Reading: Bakuman, Bokurano, and One Piece
Watching: 30 Rock
Playing: Persona 4: Arena and Metal Gear Solid 4
Eating: My soul
Drinking: My tears